The Dadabase of Jokes

I am reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.


What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.


My facelift has gone terribly wrong. If anyone knows a good surgeon, I'm all ears.


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was trippin' all day.


My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.


Did you know Yoda has a last name? It's Layheehoo.


The police just caught a serial killer that has a bad stammer. It could take awhile before he finishes his sentence.


The downside to eating a clock is that it is so time consuming.


My wife is really mad at me, because she thinks I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my bags and right.


My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn't open any of the files. I have a problem with emotional attachments.


How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.


What is made of leather, is a foot long, and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe!


What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto


I've set a goal to lose 5 pounds this month. Only 8 more to go!


What does a pirate say when he turns 80? Aye, matey!


I decided to have a brain transplant. Then I changed my mind.


The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


Don't trust atoms. They make up EVERYTHING!


Why was Yoda afraid of seven? Because six, seven eight.


I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode scanner. The look on his face was priceless.


If justice is a dish best served cold, then what is it served hot? Juststeam.


I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I will let you know.


The only thing flat earthers fear is... sphere itself.


Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.


What does a vegetarian zombie eat? GGRRRAAAAIIIINNSSSSS!!!


I decided to rub ketchup in my eyes. In Heinz sight it wasn’t a good idea.


What is the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.


The last thing my grandfather said to me before he died was, “Pints! Gallons! Liters!” That spoke volumes.


The last thing my grandfather said to me before he died was, “Plethora.” That really means a lot.


What do you call a muddy chicken that crosses the road twice? A dirty double-crosser.


What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1


When I was young, my mother told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


What’s the leading cause of dry skin? A towel.


I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got sacked because I took a couple of days off.


My friend’s answer to everything is alcohol. Not that he drinks, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.


My addiction to refrigerated poultry has gone too far. I'm quitting cold turkey.


5/4 of people admit they are bad with fractions.


My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.


During the pandemic, the seven dwarves were told they could only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.


What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeno your face.


They said a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. They lied. Everyone else was wearing clothes.


There are three unwritten rules of life: 1. _____ 2. _____ 3. _____


If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN...they get really upset.


Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.


What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Cuatro sinko


Two guys walk into a bar... the third guy ducks.


Did you hear about the guy who got a tongue transplant? It was an acquired taste.


I just bought a dog from the blacksmith. As soon as he got home he made a bolt for the door.


What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na!


If I tell you, “Ygolohcysp,” I’m using reverse psychology.


To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you! You have my Word!


What did the Ranch say when Bob opened the refrigerator door? "Hey, close that! I'm dressing!"


I'm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.


If your car breaks down in California, make sure the mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil. Then you'll get a super Cali flagger dipstick expert diagnosis.


You know Ghandi had bad breath, didn't eat much, had sore feet, and believed weird Hindu stuff. That made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


I asked the corporate wellness officer if he could teach me yoga. He asked "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't do Tuesdays."


I was washing my car with my friend, until they said, "Can't you just use a sponge?"


My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.


There is a new trend in our office. Everyone is starting to put names on food. I noticed it today when I ate a sandwich named Kevin.


If you want to make easy money, take photographs of salmon wearing human clothes. It's like shooting fish in apparel.


Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.


A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.


A man fell into an upholstery machine. He is now fully recovered.


What do you call a dog that can perform magic? A labracadabrador


Keep the dream alive... Hit the snooze button


I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.


I put the sexy in dyslexic.


I just entered the town's tightest hat competition. Hope I can pull it off!


My teachers told me I wouldn't amount to much because all I do is procrastinate. I told them, "Just you wait!"


What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is a little heavy and one is a little lighter.


Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless you are prepared to face the reaper cushions


What is Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? HAND-EEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE


A mime was arrested after breaking his arm in a bar fight. He still has the right to remain silent.


Somebody stole the toilet seat at the police station. Investigators have nothing to go on.


I entered ten puns in a contest to see which one would win. No pun in ten did.


A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments. It has left scientists scratching their heads.


I had a dream last night that I was a tailpipe. I woke up exhausted.


I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.


People are shocked! ...when they find out I'm not a good electrician


What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don't take me for granite!


Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because it's parents were in a jam.


What is worse than it raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.


Why aren't dogs good dancers? They have 2 left feet.


Did you know Bruce Lee had a vegan brother? His name was Broco Lee.


I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.


A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank... The rabbit says, “I think I’m a Type-O.”


Who is the Sith Lord that immobilizes his victims instead of killing them? Darth Ritis


What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he is a werewolf? An unawarewolf


What did the banana say to the dog? Nothing. Bananas can't talk.


Descarte's horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Do you have a drinking problem?" Horse says "I don't think so" and disappears. (Descartes was the guy who said I think, therefore I am--but that is putting Descartes before the horse)


I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants... feefiphobia.


Why did the woman become an archaelogist? Because her career was in ruins.


If walking was good for your health, the postman would be immortal. Whales swim all day, eat fish, drink water and still are fat. Rabbits hop and run and jump and only live to 15 years of age. A tortoise does nothing and is slow and can live to 450 years.


Mom: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. Kid: These are the only feet I have.


My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.


What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna1 Anna2


Someone stole my dictionary! I have no words.


I can tell just by looking when someone is lying. I can also tell when someone is standing.


Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender yells, "Get out of here! We don't serve your type!"


Yesterday, I saw a guy spill his Scrabble tiles all over the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"


Did you hear there is a new restaurant called Karma? There is no menu. You get what you deserve.


My friend was proud of his heritage until he learned his great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now he can't look himself in the mirror.


A woman in labor suddenly started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't!" "Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."


Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.


A fool and his money are never around when you need them.


As I suspected, someone has been adding dirt to my garden. The plot thickens...


My doctor told me I'm going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.


My psychologist told me I'm a kleptomaniac. That was easier to take.


My optometrist told me I'm going blind. I did not see that coming.


I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and ... coke." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" The bear shrugged, "I don't know. I was born with them."


Why did the chicken go to the seance? To get to the other side.


Apparently someone gets stabbed in South London every 48 seconds. Poor guy.


A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off of cliff. Baa-dum-ssss


What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.


SCUBA is an acronym that stands for "self contained underwater breathing apparatus." Tuba is also an acronym. It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus."


What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Didley-squats.


I invented a new word... Plagarism.


Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.


Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? Because it is two gross.


I changed all my passwords to "Kenny." Now I have Kenny logins.


Somebody broke in and stole my limbo stick. Seriously, how low can you go?


I endorse podiums. That's a product I can really stand behind.


We got a new talking scale. It has a weigh with words.


I have a fear of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid it.


My password is "incorrect". That way, when I forget, the computer helpfully reminds me... "Your password is incorrect."


Why don't Calculus majors throw house parties? Because you should never drink and derive.


What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't.


I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.


I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me in surprise.


What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2detour


How do the fish police question subjects? They use the good carp, bad carp method.


What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned.


Why did the duck go to jail? He was selling quack.


Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.


Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give us? Kids: Eggs, meat... Teacher: Good! What does a pig give us? Kids: bacon Teacher: Great! What does the fat cow give us? Kids: Homework.


My friend thinks he is SO smart. He says an onion is the only food that can make you cry. So, I threw a coconut at his face.


I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have used Aloha temperature.


I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking that it would make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.


Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. Tomorrow I'm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.


Did you hear about the guy that fell into a lens-making machine? He really made a spectacle of himself.


I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.


George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together. Clooney, "I'll direct." DiCaprio, "I'll act." McConaughey, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."


I have been trying to start a sarcastic club, but it is really hard to know if people want to join or not.


Why was the math book so sad? It had a lot of problems.


And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and thou shalt receive eternal life." John came fifth and won a toaster.


The first rule of the Passive Aggressive Club is... Oh, you know what, never mind. It's fine.


My wife told me I was being immature. I told her there was no girls allowed in my fort.


Where does Duck Lightyear go? To infinity, ...AND THE POND!


Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don't know how I feel about that.


I accidentally deleted my Dad's audiobook. I will never hear the end of it.


You know what they say about cliffhangers...


Did you hear are the paleontologist that thought he dug up a full dinosaur? It was just a fossil arm.


I ran over 5 miles today. Like, what are the odds that they were all named Miles? Crazy.


I just heard all orthodontists are going on strike... brace yourselves!


What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates


Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.


Pre- means before, and post- means after. But to use both prefixes together would be preposterous.


Don't buy Velcro. It's a rip-off.


What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.


Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They are making headlines.


How do you know that a vampire has a cold? He starts coffin.


What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG BANG BANG? An Amish drive-by shooting


What did the evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.


What is an English teacher's favorite drink? Tequila mockingbird


What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you? A pool table.


I knew a woman who owned a tazer. Man, was she stunning!


Did you hear about that great, new shovel? It is groundbreaking!


Two antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic!


They're selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.


No matter how much you pushed the envelope, it's still just stationary.


Wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then, it hit me.


I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.


I have a fear of over-engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex.


Why did the chicken get detention? For using foul language.


Apparently people make money by flipping houses. I tried yesterday, but mine was too heavy.


I wrote a book about falling down a staircase. It's a step-by-step guide.


What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi? People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do!


How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.


What do you call a piece of toast in the zoo? Bread in captivity


My fear of moving stairs is escalating.


I wanted to buy a camouflage shirt, but I didn't see one.


Broken puppets for sale...no strings attached.


Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.


Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.


His theory on inertia never seemed to gain momentum.


I'm going to open a sandwich shop called Salvador Deli. It will specialize in melts.


When generation does Forest Gump belong to? Gen A.


What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic.


Learning how to collect trash wasn't that hard. I just picked it up as I went along


What’s the hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous? Admitting you don’t have a problem.


I want to be cremated, as it is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.


My friend's bakery burned down last night... now his business is toast.


German sausage jokes are just the wurst.


What do you call a person with a nose but no body? Nobody knows.


Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.


Shout out ...to the person who doesn't know what the opposite of in is.


What did the policeman say to his belly button? "You are under a vest!"


What's the difference between a poke in the eye and a poke in the hive? One makes you see bad and the other makes a bee sad.


What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot


I want to die peacefully, just like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.


When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I heard there were a lot of break-ins over at the parking garage. That is wrong on so many levels.


Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do!


What did the doctor say to the hysterical curtains? "Pull yourself together!"


My father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.


I have a dog to give me unconditional love and I have a cat to remind me that I don't deserve it. It's all about balance.


Don't spell "part" backwards. It's a trap.


I, for one, like Roman numerals.


Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the new town pool. I gave him a glass of water.


Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors door-to-door.


I went to a restaurant that said it served breakfast at any time. So, I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.


Why can't you rely on Yoda to pick up the bar tab? He's always a little short.


What kind of car does a Jedi drive? A Toy-Yoda.


I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.


I dig, you dig, he digs, we dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's deep.


My wife--it is difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells by the sea shore.


I got complimented on my driving. Somebody left a note on my windshield that said, "Parking Fine" -- so that's nice.


When I picked up a universal remote control at the thrift store, I thought, "Wow, this changes everything!" I realized that one of the volume buttons was broken. But it was such a good deal, I just couldn't turn it down.


What do you call karate for amputees? Partial arts.


My grandfather always said when one door closes, another opens. He was a terrible cabinetmaker.


Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie? He only eats Brians.


What do we want? AIRPLANE NOISES! When do we want them? NNEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!


I used to think the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, "Look who is telling me that!"


What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wat-aaaaah!


What will happen when the Devil goes bald? There will be hell toupee!


A midget fortune teller that kills his customers is a small medium at large.


I was bitten by a deer. Now every full moon I turn into a weredoe.


I just found out I am colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.


According to Japanese mythology, the color of a person's aura changes when they die. Cyan-aura.


About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered completely in lard. Shortly after that, he went downhill fast.


Last night I stabbed a vampire, beat a zombie, and killed the devil himself! My wife ran through the room and screamed, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDY, FRANK!"


Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


How do you look for Will Smith in the snow? Just look for the fresh prints.


What do you get when you cross and angry sheep with an angry cow? An animal in a baaaad moooood.


What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter--he isn't coming to you.


What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.


If you give a plane ticket to a man, he flies for a day. If you push him out of an airplane, he flies for the rest of his life.


A good camoflage expert is really hard to find.


I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.


How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? How about now... one? Two?


So what if I don't know what the word "armeggedon" means!? It's not the end of the world.


What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.


I bought a ceiling fan the other day. All he does is stand there, clapping at the roof.


I you clean a vacuum cleaner, you are a vacuum cleaner and you make the vacuum cleaner.


My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said, "40."


A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on me head."


My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died. The funeral will be held at 350 for about 20 minutes.


If liars' pants really did set on fire, life would be a lot more fun.


There's a term for presidents like Donald Trump. Apparently not two, though.


Why do you never hear a high-pitched laugh in Hawaii? Because they have a low "ha."


I don't trust trees. They seem kinda shady.


I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.


If I had to describe myself in three words, I would have to say... lazy.


This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


I have the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.


Communisim jokes aren't funny, unless everyone gets them.


The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.


How do you tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? One of them is an elephant.


I started a boat making business in the attic. Sails are through the roof!


I went for an interview. They said, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "I'm not sure, but can I have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody?"


Guess who I ran into on the way to get my glasses fixed? Everybody.


You know Murphy's Law: if something can go wrong, it will. But what is Cole's Law? Shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.


I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D. in palindromes. I call him Dr. Awkward.


Where was Solomon's temple located? On the side of his head, duh!


What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.


I think animal testing is a bad idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Me on the phone: "I have a complaint. My sandwich is too dry." Operator: "Sir, I am sorry, but that is not what we do at the Mayo Clinic."


What does an Egyptian goose say? Ankh! Ankh!


Two Germans walk into a London bar and order martinis. The bartender asks, "Dry?" They reply, "Nein! Zwei!"


What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!!"


What is Mozart up to these days? Decomposing.


I saw a robbery at an Apple Store. I am an iWitness.


A cement mixer and a prison bus collided on the highway. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.


We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother, Frank, was a monster.


The world limbo champion walks into a bar. He was instantly disqualified.


What do you call a mediocre member of a crime family? A mafiososo.


Here is a step-by-step buide to falling down stairs:
Step 28:
Step 27:
Step 24:
Step 19:
Step 13:
Step 6:


What is the best song to sing when preparing your Thanksgiving turkey? All About That Baste.


What did the turkey say to the computer? Google, google, google.


What sound does a limping turkey make? Wobble, wobble, wobble.


What is the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? On Thanksgiving, you a geta turkey for a day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.


Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.


What do psychologists call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.


If I had 50 cents for every math test I have failed, I would have $8.40.


Why do teenage girls travel in packs of 3, 5, and 7? Because they literally can't even.


Why were the elves illiterate? Because their elf-abet had No-el.


Man: "Honey, can you toast some muffins?" Wife, holding up a glass of wine: "Sure! Here's to muffins!"


They're making a new movie called "Constipation." I can't wait until it comes out.


Did you hear about the guy who lost his hearing aids? Neither did he.


What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor? An optical Aleutian.


Where do you find reindeer? That depends--where did you leave them?


Thieves broke into my home and stole everything except the soap, shampoo, and towels. Dirty bastards.


I scared the crap out of the mailman by coming to the door naked. I don't know what scared him more--me coming to the door naked or the fact that I knew where he lived.


The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.


What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok.


What is Princess Leia's favorite cooking utensil? Ewok ewok ewok ewok.


Don't spell "part" backwards. It's a trap.


Did you know Aaron Burr had a brother who was always falling over? His name was Tim.


That French pastry chef makes me so uncomfortable. He gives me the crepes.


Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.


I hate Russian dolls. They are SO full of themselves.


What is a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song? "Do You Hear What I Hear?"


What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind before it hits the windshield? Its butt.


Why can't you surpise Darth Vader at Christmas? Because he always senses your presents.


What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak-out.


Why should you eat Eggs Benedict on a hubcap on Christmas morning? Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


What do you call a group of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


I've been swapping labels around my wife's spice jars. She may not know anything yet, but mark my words... the thyme is cumin.


A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight?" "No, we don't!" replies the bartender.


What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir,
This is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been charged with seven counts of piracy.


What do you call a hen who is good at arithmetic? A mathamachicken.


There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.


What are the chances of seeing a skinny guy standing next to a Catholic woman? Slim to nun.


Headline: "Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun." He is now fully recovered.


My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton Diet. It really made Joe lean... Joe lean... Joe lean, Joe LEEEEEEAN


A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


The Gingerbread Man went to the doctor after falling on the ice to make sure he hadn't broken anything. The doctor said, "Same knee, huh? Have you tried icing it?"


Before Mt. Rushmore was carved, its natural beauty was unpresidented.


I'm going to the foot doctor tomorrow. I don't think about my feet often--they are the furthest thing from my mind.


I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.


What has four letters. That's it--just letting you know.


Who is the knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render


Did you know Santa has a 10th reindeer named Olive? Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.


Why don't Jedi take off their shirts when they greet each other? Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.


There's one job I could see myself doing: making mirrors.


Did you hear that Santa got caught going down the chimney? He caught the flue.


What do you call it if you die from eating too many chickpeas? Hummuside.


Why is Yoda such a good gardener? Because he has a green thumb.


Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer too long.


I had to quit my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone.


What is a chicken's favorite composer? Bach Bach Bach Bach.


Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I would like gas or a canoe paddle to the head. It was an ether/oar situation.


"Doctor, I'm shrinking!" "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."


Will glass coffins ever become popular? Remains to be seen...


I used to play the triangle in a Raggae band, but I left. It was just one ting after another.


What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly? Stationery.


How do you train to be a garbage man? You kind of pick it up as you go along.


My dad always said, "Out with the old, in with the new." He was a nice man, but a terrible antiques dealer.


As I put my car in reverse, I thought, "This takes me back."


The furniture salesman told me, "This sofa will seat five people without any problems." Great. Where am I supposed to find five people without any problems?!


A poll asked people, "What is your favorite natural disaster?" Avalanches won by a landslide.


I told my therapist that I can't get the Grease soundtrack out of my head. He said, "Tell me more! Tell me more!"


After George Washington died, they had him drawn and quartered.


Did you know you can test the sex of an ant by putting it in water? If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats,...


Did you hear about the guy who built a fire in his canoe to stay warm? It burnt a hole in it and sank. You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Why did the non-binary prospector head out West? Because there was gold in them/their hills.


I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really mad.


I dreamt that I invented a new color. But when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.


How does Grandpa feel about his new chair lift? He hates it! It drives him up the wall!


I'm thinking about selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years.


What is a balloon's least favorite type of music? Pop.


I went to the zoo and they had a loaf of sourdough in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


Freudian slip: when you say one thing, and mean your mother.


A new element has been discovered on the periodic table: Ah. The element of surprise.